Not Strong Enough

I don’t recall what started the discussion between Tim and I, but a couple of days ago (one day before my Grandfather died) we ended up talking about if one of us should pass away before the other.  I told him that he couldn’t go first, that was reserved for me. He asked why and at that point in time I could only muster a laugh coupled with the words, “Because I said so.”  Truth be told…I don’t think I am a strong enough person to continue on if he were to pass first.

In the past 20 years I have had to figure out how to survive without: my father, my grandmother, a close friend, one of my best friends who just happened to be a cousin, a grandfather, my older brother, and now another grandfather.  Mind you, 86% of these were men of some age in my life.  Half of these were freak accidents, half were old age or cancer, and one was a suicide the day after I had spoken to him on the phone (and I had no idea he was so unhappy). I truly can’t fathom being capable at any age to pull myself together for my own sake, let alone the sake of my children if I were to lose my best friend and husband. I don’t know how anyone can do it, even if they only take it one day at a a time…it is one day too many for me. 

Heck…I don’t recall much of my high school years due to the fact I was trying to figure out how to get through the steps of grief…by myself. My Step-mother had become a self-involved drunkard and failed to take care of anyone, including herself, so grief counseling wasn’t sought out for us kids.  So, pardon me if I want to be selfish for once, dearest husband…I get to go first!